How Do You Do It?

Feb. 17. 2022

Dear Issa Rae,

How do you do it? I know you are human like the rest of us, but from an outsider’s point of view, you look like my mother. Not actually like my mother, the outstanding Mrs. Conner, but you remind me of the idea of mothers. Growing up if you are fortunate to have a mother or mother-like figure raising you to the best of their ability, you sometimes forget to see her. When we’re young we look to our mothers for everything and somehow, they get the job done. We may not always appreciate them, but they make the impossible happen or at the very least attempt to. They do it all and do it without letting us see them sweat. Meanwhile we forget that they are not superhumans. They are secretly stressing about the things that we, as their children, should not have to stress about. They are crying when no one else is looking, because they have to be strong for the ones that need them the most. They are screaming on the inside because nothing is ever really easy, especially for a woman. But even harder, if you are a black woman, everything and everyone is unnecessarily hard on you, including you being hard on yourself. Because society wants to define you by your worst qualities, wait for your ugliest moments, and tell you that's who you are and that is why you will never be good enough. So I ask again, Issa Rae, how do you do it? How do you stand in a room dominated by the white patriarchy and speak your truth? How do you cut through the noise of the haters? How do you erase the stereotypes and rewrite what's real?

I am a sophomore in college, and I recently changed my major from Illustration to…well I don’t know yet. All I know is that I want to head down a path that is film and television related. That might be directing, writing, producing, or acting. My dream is to have a show, where my name shows up under “Created by.” Secretly, my dream has also always been to be Hannah Montana, that is my biggest, most genuine dream. I feel no shame admitting that. It just has to stay a secret between me and you all, the readers, so that when it happens no one knows it's me… because that kinda defeats the purpose, but you get it. Anyways, I am struggling.

While writing, film, and television have always been a passion of mine, I never considered it for a career until recently. I am currently in my first screenwriting class, and I feel like a fish out of water, gasping for air, waiting to be thrown into my natural habitat. Except I don’t really know where my natural habitat is yet. I am already scared about changing my majors, because in college, especially the college I attend, everything costs an arm and a leg. Well, more like 300 arms and legs, and I only have 2 pairs, so I'm kinda in the hole here. And while financial aid thinks they are doing me a favor, really they have branded my azz as federal property until I can pay off an unbelievable amount of debt. Therefore, I can’t afford to waste classes and change majors. I am so scared.

It's quite smart actually, how the system has led me to this point of owing them money before I even make any: The school system stresses us out once we get to high school at the ages of 14 and 15 about preparing for life after high school. We spend years pulling out hair over grades, and community service, and clubs so we look worthy of being accepted into higher education like it's a secret club for the elite. Which is unfair because while you know you should focus on those things, life is throwing friends, romantic relationships, problems at home, body dysmorphia and new episodes of All American at you. So, sadly some of the kids who don’t look like the admirable, top of the class, 1 percenters, have convinced themselves they are nothings who have done nothing when actually by the end of high school, no matter how average your grades were, how much your teachers liked or disliked you, how high you were most of the time, how many schools rejected you, and so on, you actually just survived a fucking 4 year long war. Especially in a day and age where social media is pounding down on you, exposing you, and crippling your sanity. It is an accomplishment to walk across that graduating stage, or even better, just still be alive after 4 year of gruesome adolescence. So why, after being tested to the max, are we expected to commit ourselves to expensive institutions that charge us for needing to know what the fuck we want to do right fucking now?

I say all this not because I am not grateful for the sacrifices my parents made to get me to this point, or for the opportunity my university has provided for me to be able to further my education and grow into a career. I state all this to let others know that the answer to everything and to all your questions is: “I don't know.” And that's not a bad thing, I know that, but I also know that right now it feels scary. I wish I could just easily say “yes” “no” “this” “not that” and leave it at that. But even when I do go into a decision confidently, I sometimes change my mind, because I learn something new and I change as a person, so the questions start to sound different, and I have to erase all the answers I thought I had. At no point in life do I think I will be ready to stand up from my desk and turn in my test with every question answered correctly and confidently. I will forever be a student asking questions and absorbing information, yet sometimes failing, but nonetheless still trying. In other words, evolving the same way I did when I served my 4 years in high school.

As I continue to document my growth as I make decisions that shift my life and cause me to lose my footing, I hope others feel less alone for never having it together, even when they think they do, because it's all a journey, your journey.

“Nothing in life is worthwhile unless you take risks. Fall forward. Every failed experiment is one step closer to success.”

-Denzel Washington