Have You Ever Been In Love?

Mar. 25. 2022

Dear Issa Rae,

Have you ever been in love? That’s a rhetorical question, because I would like to assume that the diamond ring on your finger means you have made it through the trenches and survived the bloodshed of dating *shivers*. Though, marriage is not easy and is simply a new chapter in love. I wonder how you, if you have ever, incorporate your romantic experiences in your films and series. How much is too much when drawing from your personal life? Is there ever too much? Issa, the question I really wanna ask is how did you know when you were in love?

I recently went through a break up. I was the one that broke up with him. But I am doing my best to tell myself that just because I broke up our relationship, does not mean I can’t hurt too. But I am convinced that maybe I am the only one that is hurting. Which overall just makes me feel stupid. I don't want to be the character in the T.V. show that “ruined a good thing” and is sitting at home regretful and fantasizing about what could have been and all that I lost. It hurts. I hurt.

I am a very emotional person who needs a way to express herself and thankfully I have outlets like music, dance, art, and writing. At the moment I live in the same building as my ex, because we go to the same school, which is just “kick-you-in-the-crotch-spit-on-your-neck, fantastic?'' I see him with his new friends, new routines, new clothes, and new life…without me. And in an attempt to be cordial and mature, I hold everything in, which is very out of character for me. I am the girl that wears everything on her sleeve, I bleed for everyone to see and my heart beats outside of my chest. And while I embrace my emotional traits and vulnerability, I can’t seem to protect myself from being hurt. I broke up with my boyfriend because we both needed to grow or one of us would end up hurt. Though, I might argue that he already hurt me. My point is that it was the right thing to do, I know that and stand behind that. He has a lot of growing up to do, as do I, but I so badly wish that wasn’t the case. But someone please tell me if I love him….some may argue that if I have to ask then maybe it's not love. But despite any and all the right reasons why he is not ready for a relationship with someone like me, or vice versa, all I can think about is how much I wish I could hug him. I just want to hug him and understand that he misses me too. It hurts. I hurt. While I suffer in silence with my feelings, I am debating whether or not this is the perfect inspiration for a script.

I have been crying for a week …correction, weeks. And At this point I need to put this somewhere until my knight and shining ‘Lawrence’ comes to his senses, matures and tells me he loves me. But that only happens on television, right? So while I wait in the tower I built around myself, I want to write about it. I want to write about the true turmoil of a break up. Not the bull shit that the male patriarchy has been broadcasting to us. The way the media tells me how to handle a break up is a scam to get me to rent the movies, buy the ice cream, and stream the album over and over again. Meanwhile, I feel nothing and my heart is still in pieces. I just pitched to my screenwriting professor, a screenplay idea about a girl going through a break up. I didn't think he would like it. But now I am scared of having to live in and face the feelings of my own break up. My mother has always told me that great writing comes from authenticity. So I always benefit from finding inspiration from my own thoughts and experiences. Not that solely everything I write is all about me. They just inspire an idea. But this break up screenplay feels like it’s hitting a tender spot. How much of my heart do I pour into this script? Is this just part of the healing process? Does this make me a good writer or a lazy one? By the time I finish this script, will my ex-boyfriend grow into a man I can trust? Will I grow into a woman worth fighting for? Time can only tell.

“If I could recapture all of the memories and bring them to life, surely I would. Hear the distant laughter; wasn’t it you and me surviving the night? You’re fading out of my sight. Swiftly, you’re vanishing.”

-Mariah Carey, Vanishing